My New Blog

So this is my new blog or I should say my first ever blog. I have no idea what I'm doing yet but let's see how I go.

I wondered what on earth I had to write about but then I realized I didn't have too much trouble yakking so there should be no problem trying to get things on to  software paper (lol yeah whatever!). Many thoughts have drifted in and out of my head as of late. Some have decided to stay longer than than others and some have not left and probably never will 100% anyway.


PART ONE:
One of the most significant events recently was the passing of a wonderful, bright eyed, 10 year old boy Noah. He was my client and my friend for almost 7 years now along with his family who I came to respect,  love and enjoy being part of their family. Whilst I had and still do have many emotions during Noah's final days and the events after I have not been able to express the deep inner thoughts and feelings during this difficult time. I am going to try to in my first ever blog.

I remember the first day I met Noah. His mum Lisa came to do the door with a baby on her hip. That baby was Noah's brother who is now 7. I still see Noah's face when I first laid eyes on him. He was so beautiful, cranky, but just beautiful. This was the first day of my near 7 year journey, learning, caring, laughing, nursing and being involved with Noah and his family.  I don't know where in that 7 years that I decided I would stay with Noah till 'death do us part'. I began with him the year before he started kindergarten and continued until his passing in grade 4. I worked with him at school and also supplied in-home-support. As I cared for Noah, I gained skills that many others in my position would never get and would never be comfortable with, however, I did trained other people in the specialised care needed for Noah.

The care need for Noah was round the clock, 24-7. He couldn't be left with just anyone. His whole life depended on the care of those around him. Many comments were made throughout my time with him about what 'quality' of life he had. What is quality? Love, care, food? Noah was loved endlessly and was given a wonderful life. He smiled, used his voice and played. Over the years  I saw a little person in Noah that shone through his eyes but as time went on changes were becoming present in him. I knew the day would come earlier than most for Noah to say goodbye.  Your aware of it coming everyday that goes by but how you prepare for the loss of someone so close to your own heart, I don't know. Noah was taken to hospital  3 hrs away for the last time. He was put onto an array of machines for various reason to help him. He was up and down but there were times in between that I began to realise how serious Noah's health was. I tired to spend as much time with him as possible but it never felt enough. I ached for him to wake and look at me but he continued to rest peacefully. I travelled back to Hobart a few days later and there were those big brown eyes. They were open and looking at me. It still makes me smile to think about that moment. That was the last time he was to open his eyes and the last our eyes would lock and look at each other but I didn't know it.  I returned home but received a call a day later from Lisa letting me know that Noah's conditioned worsened. Lisa and Aaron made the difficult decision to turn off the machines supporting Noah. I can only imagine what it must have been like to make a decision like that. Not only has my pain been for the loss of Noah it has also been for the grief and pain that the family has gone through. I was included by the family to be with them while they said 'goodbye' forever to Noah. I was not ready!!!! How could I ever be ready.......to say goodbye to someone that was my whole work and who I had come to love so much.

I sat in that hospital beside Noah on that very difficult day and just looked at him, his features, his breathing, his hands that I exercised so much. I couldn't believe I was there to say 'goodbye'. it wasn't fair!!! I  couldn't believe this was IT!!! It wasn't as though he was going on holiday and coming back or simply moving away to another state. It was a pain like I'd never felt and the end result was inevitable so there was nothing I could do. What does one say to his family?

Throughout the day, there were tears  but also smiles from sharing memories and jokes. Not once did any of the family forget me in this.....my feelings, my heartache, my loss. I believe I would not have gotten through it without the love and support from them. Not just Noah's immediate family but the HUGE family that comes with them. A large chunk of my world was about to change dramatically. I held Noah's hand for the last time, kissed him on his forehead for the last time, looked  and felt him for the last time before walking out of that damn ICU door for the last time. I left Lisa, Aaron, Jay, Haz, Kobe and Grandma to say their quiet farewells to their very much loved son. As I began my trip home, I waited patiently for Lisa to make contact that Noah had passed. It seemed like an eternity but it came and I'll never forget that moment. It was like part of me died with him.......how must it have been for them?