The following days after Noah passed away left me feeling numb. I wondered what was wrong, Why wasn't I grieving like I thought I should? I knew I felt a deep sadness but it was like a dream. I don't think reality had set in that Noah really wasn't physically here. I layed in my bed late one night unable to sleep and out of the blue I logged in to facebook on my phone and came across Noah's Uncle Chrish' blog. As I read and scrolled down I was hit with those big brown eyes that I remember so clearly. That was it!! My tears came....and came.....and came. I felt so much anguish. I wanted it to go away so bad. I didn't want to feel so much hurt. I know so many people felt the loss of Noah especially those closest to him but for that moment in bed that night I felt so alone in my own pain, my own grief. I wanted to run to a paddock and literally scream. I just wanted Noah to reach down and touch me. I did not feel or see anything but at that moment I felt more calm and my tears stopped. At some point I drifted off into a much needed rest.
It was hard walking back into work. I didn't want to talk about it or be questioned. I wasn't sure how the morning was going to be. It was the day the teachers were going to tell their classes about Noah. I was so concerned for the kids in mine and Noah's class not to mention his teacher who has a big, soft heart. There was a meeting before school to talk to staff about letting the children know and it was requested I go. I entered the staff room later than everyone else so I slipped into a quiet corner and waited for the meeting to end. When it did, the staff virtually lined up and gave me cuddles and words of encouragement. I was surprised even though I knew they would be thinking of me. I decided to pop in and see the kids in Noah's class. They are wonderful kids who were wonderful with him. Some of them had been in Noah's class since kinder so it was hard for them too. They needed to know I was doing ok as much as I needed to see how they were going. It was hard initially walking into the class but it was so worth it. They are such great kids. I love them heaps as I do the class teacher. Kate (teacher) has also been amazing. Her heart was also hurt with the loss of monkey man, as he was affectionately known by the family. She has stood by me and I cannot thank her enough for her love and support. I'm happy Noah and I were in Kate's class and we shared the loss of Noah together. I couldn't have thought of a better person. I now believe it was the best thing facing people on that day as it's often a hard moment to get through when it's a situation like this. I received lots of cuddles and words of care. I was amazed at the support I received although I always knew that I'd get support I was overwhelmed at the care I was shown and given.
Noah's funeral was magical. How amazing this family can be. It was colourful, funny, calm with lots of memories of Noah. Many people attended the service...it was like a plague of people. I hope Noah was looking down at all the people who were so fond of him and his family. As Noah was placed into the hurst, I could only stare at his glossy white coffin. I couldn't believe our boy was in there.
We moved onto the grave site and what a superb place to lay him to rest. Lowering the coffin into a hole in the ground with a body of someone that's dear to you, makes me squirm. It was hard to believe we were leaving Noah down there but then it's not his spirit that we know, only a vehicle so we could see and touch the boy that was once inside. I wanted to leave a piece of Noah and I together, not that he would be overly happy, he was probably glad to see the back end of me truth be known, so I decided on my lanyard that hung round my neck everyday that he was at school. It gave me access to everywhere that I needed to go with him. It has hung round my neck for the last 5 year since being at the main school campas. Why my lanyard and not an adorable photo of me....because the words written on it said 'LEGEND'!
I dropped it down, it landed on the coffin about where his tummy was, bounced off and landed in the dirt down beside his coffin. thought 'on ya Noah', I'm sure he did that on purpose. Having said that, the balloons that were released in all their bright colours, took Noah for the last trip to the peaceful place where he is now. I cried. It was like he was going with the balloons and I wanted to pull them back but I couldn't. Noah wasn't coming back!
Noah's brother Jalen, the up coming film star, put together a slid show of Noah's life which was shown back at the church afterwards. The memories that are not forgotten but were tucked away in my mind, were right there on the screen. I wanted to go up to that screen and grab those cheeky chops. I'm sure my love and affection grew even more in remembrance. What a mixture of feelings that stirred in me as I watched. I was hurting, upset, aching, but also felt love, fondness and honour and it made me smile. I wasn't alone.
I had the privilege of working with Noah ever year through his school life. When Noah was well I worked hard on his vision, retraining his visual condition. It was amazing! I used sound and visual cues to grab his attention. He really seem to love a mirror but being the typical male, loved looking at his own reflection.
He responded to sound well and bright colours caught his eye. Firstly it was my aim to get him to focus then get him to track a moving object. He did such a good job. I would often get him to touch and hold an item for extra stimulation. To help Noah focus I made and set up what I called
'the cave' . It was set up so I could lay Noah on the floor or position his chair inside a black area to block out all other distractions. It work very well plus he got to have a massage on the massage mat and a rub down from a fabulous aide. Again I used brightly coloured items and black and white mobiles or
pictures as he lay there. He laid there for as long as I allowed and he appeared to quite enjoy scanning his 'cave'. He would move his eyes and at times move his head to glimps at other items placed around his special area. The school purchased a light box to aide his visual awareness. He was very responsive to it. It came with various patterns of transparent sheets that allowed light to shine through. I was always relunctant to drag him away from it.
I believe one of the best outcomes from having him at Punchbowl P/S is is having the other children of the school gain knowledge and understanding of people with disabilities. Noah, along with his loving family, was an inspiration to many that knew him or about him. He was a person in a body that worked differently to mine. He experienced pain, happiness and showed his feeling by facial expressions, movements and his voice. I will be eternally honoured and grateful to have worked with Noah and his family who have welcomed me into their home as a total stranger and given me the trust and resposibility of looking after their son who's whole life depended on the people around him to love and care for him as they do. It has been a journey that has changed my life.
Noah now rests in a beautiful area that he well deserves. His spirit runs free while he smiles upon us. I will always love you Noah. You have definately made me a better person. See you when I get there :-)
