a gift from Noah.....

It's funny how things have a way of plopping themselves into one's life. I have a friend who has been there for quite sometime but unfortunately we had a disagreement and didn't contact each other for a while, however I often thought of her and wondered how she was going. I decided to make contact as we've had more good times as friends than bad times. I was so pleased I did as my friend was happy to catch up and it was like old times. I found out my friend had landed herself a new job and in that job was a lady who has become friends with her. A conversation that took place between them one day was the fact this lady had a son who obviously should have been with me and therefore he is....now.

 
He is quite the gentalman in a way that is unfamiliar to me and I feel a sense of security. For name sake I will refer to him as Mr D. The first person (I will name 'J') who I ever mentioned my chance meeting with Mr D to, asked me one day if I thought Noah had sent him to me. I was stunned and stared at this person unsure of what to say. As I thought about the question all I could  say was 'maybe'. J who is not overly religious put their hands together, looked at the sky and said 'thankyou Noah'. I will never forget that moment.......

 Since then I have found a happiness that I think I forgot exsisted. I thought I was content with my life, however, since Noah's passing there has been an empitiness that I couldn't shake totally. Whilst that gap is still there I am finding I'm more comforted by having Mr D in my life. I often think about the previous conversation that took place between me and  J and whether other people think it's silly or not, I also find comfort thinking that Noah may have sent me a special gift in the form of a gentalman.

bright eyed boy

Part two:

The following days after Noah passed away left me feeling numb. I wondered what was wrong, Why wasn't I grieving like I thought I should? I knew I felt a deep sadness but it was like a dream. I don't think reality had set in that Noah really wasn't physically here. I layed in my bed late one night unable to sleep and out of the blue I logged in to facebook on my phone and came across Noah's Uncle Chrish' blog. As I read and scrolled down I was hit with those big brown eyes that I remember so clearly. That was it!! My tears came....and came.....and came. I felt so much anguish. I wanted it to go away so bad. I didn't want to feel so much hurt. I know so many people felt the loss of Noah especially those closest to him but for that moment in bed that night I felt so alone in my own pain, my own grief. I wanted to run to a paddock and literally scream.  I just wanted  Noah to reach down and touch me. I did not feel or see anything but at that moment I felt more calm and my tears stopped. At some point I drifted off into a much needed rest.

It was hard walking back into work. I didn't want to talk about it or be questioned. I wasn't sure how the morning was going to be. It was the day the teachers were going to tell their classes about Noah. I was so concerned for the kids in mine and Noah's class not to mention his teacher who has a big, soft heart.  There was a meeting before school to talk to staff about letting the children know and it was requested I go. I entered the staff room later than everyone else so I slipped into a quiet corner and waited for the meeting to end. When it did,  the staff virtually lined up and gave me cuddles and words of encouragement. I was surprised even though I knew they would be thinking of me. I decided to pop in and see the kids in Noah's class. They are wonderful kids who were wonderful with him. Some of them had been in Noah's class since kinder so it was hard for them too. They needed to know I was doing ok as much as I needed to see how they were going. It was hard initially walking into the class but it was so worth it. They are such great kids. I love them heaps as I do the class teacher. Kate (teacher) has also been amazing. Her heart was also hurt with the loss of monkey man, as he was affectionately known by the family. She has stood by me and I cannot thank her enough for her love and support. I'm happy Noah and I were in Kate's class and we shared the loss of Noah together. I couldn't have thought of a better person. I now believe it was the best thing facing people on that day as it's often a hard moment to get through when it's a situation like this. I received lots of cuddles and words of care. I was amazed at the support I received although I always knew that I'd get support I was overwhelmed at the care I was shown and given.

Noah's funeral was magical. How amazing this family can be. It was colourful, funny, calm with lots of memories of Noah. Many people attended the service...it was like a plague of people. I hope Noah was looking down at all the people who were so fond of him and his family. As Noah was placed into the hurst, I could only stare at his glossy white coffin. I couldn't believe our boy was in there. 

We moved onto the grave site and what a superb place to lay him to rest. Lowering the coffin into a hole in the ground with a body of someone that's dear to you, makes me squirm. It was hard to believe we were leaving Noah down there but then it's not his spirit that we know, only a vehicle so we could see and touch the boy that was once inside. I wanted to leave a piece of Noah and I together, not that he would be overly happy, he was probably glad to see the back end of me truth be known, so I decided on my lanyard that hung round my neck everyday that he was at school. It gave me access to everywhere that I needed to go with him. It has hung round my neck for the last 5 year since being at the main school campas. Why my lanyard and not an adorable photo of me....because the words written on it said 'LEGEND'!

I dropped it down, it landed on the coffin about where his tummy was, bounced off and landed in the dirt down beside his coffin. thought 'on ya Noah', I'm sure he did that on purpose. Having said that, the balloons that were released in all their bright colours, took Noah for the last trip to the peaceful place where he is now. I cried. It was like he was going with the balloons and I wanted to pull them back but I couldn't. Noah wasn't coming back!

Noah's brother Jalen, the up coming film star, put together a slid show of Noah's life which was shown back at the church afterwards. The memories that are not forgotten but were tucked away in my mind, were right there on the screen. I wanted to go up to that screen and grab those cheeky chops. I'm sure my love and affection grew even more in remembrance. What a mixture of feelings that stirred in me as I watched. I was hurting, upset, aching, but also felt love, fondness and honour and it made me smile. I wasn't alone. 

I had the privilege of working with Noah ever year through his school life.  When Noah was well I worked hard on his vision, retraining his visual condition. It was amazing! I used sound and visual cues to grab his attention. He really seem to love a mirror but  being the typical male, loved looking at his own reflection.

He responded to sound well and bright colours caught his eye. Firstly it was my aim to get him to focus then get him to track a moving object. He did such a good job. I would often get him to touch and hold an item for extra stimulation. To help Noah focus I made and set up what I called

'the cave' . It was set up so I could lay Noah on the floor or position his chair inside a black area to block out all other distractions. It work very well plus he got to have a massage on the massage mat and a rub down from a fabulous aide. Again I used brightly coloured items and black and white mobiles or

 pictures as he lay there. He laid there for as long as I allowed and he appeared to quite enjoy scanning his 'cave'. He would move his eyes and at times move his head to glimps at other items placed around his special area. The school purchased a light box to aide his visual awareness. He was very responsive to it. It came with various patterns of transparent sheets that allowed light to shine through. I was always relunctant to drag him away from it. 

I believe one of the best outcomes from having him at Punchbowl P/S is is having the other children of the school gain knowledge and understanding of people with disabilities. Noah, along with his loving family, was an inspiration to many that knew him or about him. He was a person in a body that worked differently to mine. He experienced pain, happiness and showed his feeling by facial expressions, movements and his voice. I will be eternally honoured and  grateful to have worked with Noah and his family who have welcomed me into their home as a total stranger and given me the trust and resposibility of looking after their son who's whole life depended on the people around him to love and care for him as they do. It has been a journey that has changed my life. 

Noah now rests in a beautiful area that he well deserves. His spirit runs free while he smiles upon us. I will always love you Noah.  You have definately made me a better person.  See you when I get there :-)

   



My New Blog

So this is my new blog or I should say my first ever blog. I have no idea what I'm doing yet but let's see how I go.

I wondered what on earth I had to write about but then I realized I didn't have too much trouble yakking so there should be no problem trying to get things on to  software paper (lol yeah whatever!). Many thoughts have drifted in and out of my head as of late. Some have decided to stay longer than than others and some have not left and probably never will 100% anyway.


PART ONE:
One of the most significant events recently was the passing of a wonderful, bright eyed, 10 year old boy Noah. He was my client and my friend for almost 7 years now along with his family who I came to respect,  love and enjoy being part of their family. Whilst I had and still do have many emotions during Noah's final days and the events after I have not been able to express the deep inner thoughts and feelings during this difficult time. I am going to try to in my first ever blog.

I remember the first day I met Noah. His mum Lisa came to do the door with a baby on her hip. That baby was Noah's brother who is now 7. I still see Noah's face when I first laid eyes on him. He was so beautiful, cranky, but just beautiful. This was the first day of my near 7 year journey, learning, caring, laughing, nursing and being involved with Noah and his family.  I don't know where in that 7 years that I decided I would stay with Noah till 'death do us part'. I began with him the year before he started kindergarten and continued until his passing in grade 4. I worked with him at school and also supplied in-home-support. As I cared for Noah, I gained skills that many others in my position would never get and would never be comfortable with, however, I did trained other people in the specialised care needed for Noah.

The care need for Noah was round the clock, 24-7. He couldn't be left with just anyone. His whole life depended on the care of those around him. Many comments were made throughout my time with him about what 'quality' of life he had. What is quality? Love, care, food? Noah was loved endlessly and was given a wonderful life. He smiled, used his voice and played. Over the years  I saw a little person in Noah that shone through his eyes but as time went on changes were becoming present in him. I knew the day would come earlier than most for Noah to say goodbye.  Your aware of it coming everyday that goes by but how you prepare for the loss of someone so close to your own heart, I don't know. Noah was taken to hospital  3 hrs away for the last time. He was put onto an array of machines for various reason to help him. He was up and down but there were times in between that I began to realise how serious Noah's health was. I tired to spend as much time with him as possible but it never felt enough. I ached for him to wake and look at me but he continued to rest peacefully. I travelled back to Hobart a few days later and there were those big brown eyes. They were open and looking at me. It still makes me smile to think about that moment. That was the last time he was to open his eyes and the last our eyes would lock and look at each other but I didn't know it.  I returned home but received a call a day later from Lisa letting me know that Noah's conditioned worsened. Lisa and Aaron made the difficult decision to turn off the machines supporting Noah. I can only imagine what it must have been like to make a decision like that. Not only has my pain been for the loss of Noah it has also been for the grief and pain that the family has gone through. I was included by the family to be with them while they said 'goodbye' forever to Noah. I was not ready!!!! How could I ever be ready.......to say goodbye to someone that was my whole work and who I had come to love so much.

I sat in that hospital beside Noah on that very difficult day and just looked at him, his features, his breathing, his hands that I exercised so much. I couldn't believe I was there to say 'goodbye'. it wasn't fair!!! I  couldn't believe this was IT!!! It wasn't as though he was going on holiday and coming back or simply moving away to another state. It was a pain like I'd never felt and the end result was inevitable so there was nothing I could do. What does one say to his family?

Throughout the day, there were tears  but also smiles from sharing memories and jokes. Not once did any of the family forget me in this.....my feelings, my heartache, my loss. I believe I would not have gotten through it without the love and support from them. Not just Noah's immediate family but the HUGE family that comes with them. A large chunk of my world was about to change dramatically. I held Noah's hand for the last time, kissed him on his forehead for the last time, looked  and felt him for the last time before walking out of that damn ICU door for the last time. I left Lisa, Aaron, Jay, Haz, Kobe and Grandma to say their quiet farewells to their very much loved son. As I began my trip home, I waited patiently for Lisa to make contact that Noah had passed. It seemed like an eternity but it came and I'll never forget that moment. It was like part of me died with him.......how must it have been for them?