just needed to write

There are just some days that things seem a little hard yet there are many things to be thankful for....I know that and so does everybody else......still I am only human.

Today felt like one of those days. I spent a lonely night by myself last night, grand final night. I should have been with friends that I'd planned on being with but work during the day changed the agenda that I'd set. I came home exhausted and wanting a damn good holiday. I laid in bed till early hours of the morning and when I finally drifted off it was a restless few hours that I napped. As I dragged myself from slumber this morning, I began to potter outside as it was the beginnings of a beautiful spring day however motivation was somewhere not to be seen. It's a constant struggle to get on top of my world at home.

I am a sole parent of three children, 2 who have sensory disabilities. There are two boys and one girl. The eldest boy wears one hearing aide but deaf in both ears whereas the other boy is deaf in both ears and has a cochlea implant. The boys have a different father to that of my daughter so she is fine. The reason for my boys hearing loss is a defective gene that both their father and I carry called Connexin 26.

All I really want from life is not only the health of my children to be good but to fit into a family with my children, a home that I'm proud of and a man to love me and share it with me. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful man who I love more than life it's self just about but I know we won't be together while my children are around.....i can read the signs. It saddens me but I guess that's the way life is.

I really am fortunate that I am so much luckier than  many, many, many other's but I have had my struggles that either are unknown or forgotten about by the people who surround me. My boys father who was a chronic epileptic and had brain surgery to try to counteract it, also has schizophrenia and alcoholism. My daughter's father whilst not an alcoholic changed immensely while I was with him due to alcohol.....and my boys are not his so I was often reminded. I new that but they chose to call him 'Dad' of their own accord. They wanted a man in their life to guide them. Wasn't going to happen......

My boys do not drink or smoke. They let me know what they're doing and where they are  etc but I know they're not perfect and I feel I have failed in teaching them certain things in life. They are lazy to me. They don't respect me in that way. There are good and bad things in our relationship but I know who lets me know that I've failed and it's true. I am a sucker for doing too much for too many but I call it helping others, not always a good thing......apparently......

The last 12 months have brought lots of changes that have been hard to get accustomed too. I lost a very dear little boy who was a major part of my life as was his family. It's been almost 12 months from the day of his passing and the week that lead to that day I had to say goodbye. That last week were treasured moments that I spent with his family including his father who passed away very suddenly 3 months later. Whenever I visit them at their graveside, I still feel such an immense sadness. A little piece of me will always remain in the grave with the little boy that stole a piece of my heart when I first looked into his chocolate eyes. There is some comfort though in knowing that his father is now taking care of him but my heart brakes for who he left behind.

This year has also brought about a new job where others require my help. I miss my place in the world I journeyed with  the boy above. I believe I was there for the duration of the child's life and when he departed from this world so did my world I traveled with him. It was time to move away into new areas and other people who needed me. As strange as it is, I now work across the road from where my two friends quietly lay.

I have also learned that the father of my boys no longer cares to have a relationship with them. I came home to live from the main land when my eldest was three and to give birth to my next but on my own. As they have grown I have taken them back to the main land every 2-3 years. I felt it was important for them to have contact with their family so I did what I could for that to happen. This year was a year that we went over but this year I also learned along with my boys that their father is no longer fussed whether he sees them or not. His words ' I care but I don't care, it's up to them if they want something to do with me. If they do, they do and if they don't, they don't'. He made no effort with them while they were there and pretty much told the eldest the same thing. They have just wanted a male figure in their life to care!!!!!

As for my daughter, I have worked with her father to allow her the best relationship possible. I do not get any weekends with her only the afternoons when school has finished. I want her to be happy and as her father works out of town it's the best arrangement for them.

It has also been almost one year since meeting the beautiful man that I'm now with who incidently was thought of as a gift from the young boy no longer with me. I love my man with all my heart but I have come to the realization that we are years away from sharing a full life together. 12 months is not long, I realize that but at the age I am now I don't want years living on my own now. I guess that's how much he means to me......like no other.....he is a good loving man.
He is good with the kids but I know they are what holds us apart and the way my life is. My home is different to his.